My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
