The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
