If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
