so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
