At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
