I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
