its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm passing your future prison.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
