Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
