All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
