i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
