just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
