Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
