It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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