i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
