if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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