All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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