i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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