omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
