Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
