Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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