So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
