she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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