I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
