my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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