God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
