I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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