If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
