your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
