What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
