Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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