Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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