I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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