how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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