We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
