i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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