you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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