come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
