Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm like, not good at living.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
