if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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