I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
