I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
