im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
