so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Drake has all the answers
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
