Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
