weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize