Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
