Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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