if you like me you must not know who I am
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
