Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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