Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
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