I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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