we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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