shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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