I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
