Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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