I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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