Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
