I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
