i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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