We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
