wrigley field is MILF paradise
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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