My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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