Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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