At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
