its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
